In Memorium - Richard Simmons

A Parody Obiutuary

Richard Simmons, the flamboyant fitness guru of the 1980's and 90's has died, he was 78. Cause of death was said to be from a concussion he suffered when he floated across the room and hit his head on the door jam in his Slimmons Studio in Hollywood. Dressed in Swarovski crystal-studded tank tops and a black Speedo, he catered to a demographic who traditionally didn't like to exercise. Many times, he was criticized for making paraplegics, the severely handicapped, burn victims and the Amish 'get up off their best intensions' and sweat to the oldies! He built his multi-thousand-dollar empire on the concept that even over-weight, morbidly obese people on life support, prisoners on death row and comatose individuals could improve their lives by cardio workouts and aerobics. "Come on, Chubbie, you can do it"! was his mantra. 

Growing up in New Orleans, Simmons was relentlessly taunted by the other girls in his class because of his weight. "I grew up shy and withdrawn", he said. "It wasn't until I had reached puberty and started developing breasts that I became more confident in myself." After graduating, he went abroad (as a broad) to be an art student. The fitness craze was just starting to become popular in the United States and Europe. He moved to Los Angeles where he opened his first fitness studio called, Come On You Fat Lazy Slob, Get Up Off Your Big Behind And Do Something With Your Life! The studio failed to gain traction and Simmons had to declare bankruptcy. However, with a loan from a wealthy benefactor, he opened another studio calling it, What's Wrong With You, You Worthless Piece Of Human Excrement! Again, it failed to attract enough clients to stay in business and he had to shut its doors. But he had learned a valuable lesson. "It's all in the name", he told a friend. He opened a third studio calling it, Oh My God, You're As Big as a House, Why Don't You Try and Lose Some of Your Tonnage! This time, it caught the attention of some B List celebrities and welfare scam artists who were looking to cash in on the fitness craze sweeping the country and the studio started making money. Twenty years later, he opened a second location across the street. Simmons produced several workout videos like, "Sweatin' To The Oldies", "Sweatin' In Your Underpants" and "Sweatin' and Smellin' Like a Lumberjack's Armpit". He was a frequent guest of many daytime talk shows and even had a short-lived talk show of his own called, Richard Simmons Thinks You're a Gross Tub of Cellulite! which lasted about ten minutes before ABC pulled the plug on it. 

Later in his career, he dropped out of the public eye sighting health issues and the growing competition of alternative health clubs like Planet Fitness, Anytime Fitness, 24 Hour Fitness and US Marine Boot Camp. Mr. Simmons will be interred at the Slimmons Fitness Studio in Hollywood where patrons will be able to view his remains wearing his Swarovski crystal studded tank top and black speedo. Barf bags will be provided.